When Tom and I first got married, we started each year with setting goals: spiritual, physical, financial, and personal goals.
My favorite goals were always the physical goals-- I've said before that I was a cardio junkie gym rat for the past two decades. Some years I accomplished my goals (run a sub 1:50 half marathon) and some years I didn't (my hatred of swimming got in the way of that triathlon). But this year was much different. For the past three months, I've been on a pretty intense regiment to fight an infection that my body has been battling for a while. In fact, the infection probably contributed a great deal to my autoimmune issues-- that coupled with genetics, environment, diet, and excessive stress (another post on that later). Recovering from this infection has been no joke. Imagine the feeling you get when you are about to be over the flu-- when your body is working the hardest to break that fever and you can't really get out of bed without feeling like you might fall through the floor. That's basically how I've felt for three whole months. Since that's the case, anything other than walking the dogs and gentle yoga have been out of the question. So I had to reassess my normal New Year's Goals to align with what I really need: rest. For my entire life, rest has been an afterthought, IF that. Rest days were overrated and sleep was whatever I could squeeze in. In fact, as I write this at 9:30 on a Sunday morning, I realize that these past few months are the ONLY time in my adult life when I did not wake up at the crack of dawn to go run 6 miles or go to the gym. These past few months are the ONLY time since junior high that I have consistently tried to get more than 7 hours of sleep. What a huge shift in mindset. I don't know why our culture has this mindset that if we aren't always DOING something, we are lazy bums. That if we aren't burning the candle on both ends, we will end up as failures. I know I've lived by that philosophy. I feel guilty if I am not being productive. If I am not working out each day. If I am not fully committed in my time. I fear taking time to rest because I am afraid I will become useless. But this is a problem. Not only did I wear myself into the ground, but ultimately this mindset reflects that I put my self-worth in what I can accomplish. What a horrible hamster wheel to be on. So this year, I decided my goals should be different. I wanted to focus not on what I could accomplish, but on becoming the person I want to be-- traits and character that have nothing to do with accomplishments. So here are a few goals I have for the new year: 1. Be patient. No surprise here. As the independent, wait-for-no-one, I'll-get-it-done-first-because-I'm-competent person I strived to be, I am so impatient. When walking with groups, I get annoyed at how slow everyone else is walking. Power walk IS my slow walk. But whew-- chronic illness has humbled me and at many times, physically limited me. It has also taught me to be patient with others and patient with myself. I used to make no apologies for being impatient. Now I realize that showing patience with others helps me slow down and reflect. It has also made me more patient with myself. 2. Value people, not feelings People with chronic illness know this-- it is hard to keep your cool when you don't feel well. When the room is spinning. When you are sleep deprived. When your muscles stop working. Feeling crappy can lead to me acting crappy far too quickly. Unfortunately, this can lead to me being short and rude with the people I care about this most. My goal for this year is that when I feel agitated or short fused, I stop and tell myself this: "How I feel right now is not more important than my love for _______. Do I want to communicate how I temporarily feel physically or do I want to convey how much I love this person in how I respond to him/her?" 3. Practice imperfection In my little hamster wheel of accomplishments, I often had the mentality that if I couldn't do something perfectly, I shouldn't do it. For example, if I couldn't go to the hardcore, 90 minute yoga class, I shouldn't do yoga. Or if I couldn't learn a new skill and completely master it, I just shouldn't attempt to learn it. Stupid, I know. Not only was that stupid, but it was a completely unnecessary source of stress. So my goal for this year is to stop aiming for perfect. That applies to every area of my life: the cleanliness of my house, my workout schedule, my finances, my to-do list, etc. My whole life has been about perfection. This year its going to be about "Eh. that'll do." These goals are totally different than any other year's. But they are what fits this time in my life and honestly, what I need the most. Here I am , almost a month into the New Year and I have to say these goals aren't something to accomplish in a month or even a year, but a lifelong practice in compassion. What about you? Did you set New Year's resolutions or goals? Have you kept them up or have they fallen by the wayside? (No judgement if they did. Adopt my policy if you only stuck to it for a week--Eh. That'll do.).
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