In 10th grade, I remember I thought my life was falling apart. But in the midst of my perceived distress, my 10th grade English teacher handed our class a short excerpt from an Anne Lamott book about how when things fall apart and chaos ensues, it means something miraculous is trying to be born in your life.
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It has been an eternity since I have written anything and in the process, I have learned something about myself: I am unable to write about something when I am in the midst of it.
In July, I started to write a blog post about balance. I had gotten to a stage with my autoimmunity where I was no longer in pain, but wanted now to be proactively healing. The crisis of decay had passed. Now I wanted to preemptively strike to restore my health. Bring my body back into balance. As I began searching for a new functional medicine doctor, it became very clear to me that while my autoimmune disease was clearly physical, there was so much that had contributed to its progression that was emotional and even spiritual. As Tom and I moved homes and evaluated the direction we were going, I realized how off path I had let myself become in my pursuit of excellence. I was not a type-A personality as a child or even as a teenager. I enjoyed being creative and unpredictable. In college, I began to experience anxiety and control issues which led to me becoming more and more regimented. I traded any creative pursuits for schedule and efficiency. Not that these are bad things-- they can be keys to success, but I let my creative side fall by the wayside. As it seemed attainable to graduate college with a 4.0, I began to become even more perfectionistic. Then I set my sights on accomplishing athletic feats (for me)-- training for a marathon, improving 10k and 5k times. When I got married, I enjoyed the added responsibilities but now that there was someone else in my realm of daily life, I strove to hold it all together even more. Because as a teacher, I am strict, scheduled, and intense. I approach my classroom analytically. And it works-- I love teaching and I have had incredible success. I am methodical, determined, and disciplined. My life became years of schedule: 5:30 am wake up time, workout, work, work, work, clean, make dinner, work, bed. Succeed, succeed, succeed. All of these things are good-- accomplishing success through discipline and striving for goals. But again, as I tried to achieve more and more in every area of my life, professionally, personally, physically, I slowly became unbalanced. I wasn't listening to who I really was anymore. I was progressing rapidly on a path I didn't stop to question if I really wanted to be on. Here's the crazy part: The result of becoming emotionally and spiritually unbalanced is a physical unbalance. I began to experience dizziness, adrenal fatigue, digestive issues, and a static autonomic nervous system. As I met with a functional medicine doctor, it became clear that I could use supplements, try alternative therapies, and change my diet, but ultimately, those things would be temporary bandaids. What I need to heal is not just physical; it is a reevaluation of how I am living my life in light of who I was created to be. I've tried to fix these problems with food, sleep, and supplements. But what I'm realizing is that the root of these problems, as crazy as it sounds and as hippie-dippy as it may seem, is a fundamental misalignment of self. This isn't to say that lifestyle changes alone and new directions will cure everything— they won't. All I'm saying is that I've realized this isn't just a body thing. It isn't just a food thing. It isn't just a stress thing. It's a whole person thing. Finding balance is a lot more important and a lot harder than I ever thought. I don't know what my health would be like today if I hadn't started the AIP diet last July. I can't really think about that.
I just finished another 30 days of strict AIP and when I tried one introduction, I had a terrifying reaction. Way worse of a reaction than I had ever had-- I lost control of my hands. One of the scariest symptoms I've ever had. It sent me into a fear-gripped spiral. The following soundtrack has been on nonstop play in my head this week: AIP can help some people, but not you. You are going to end up completely debilitated and handicapped in a few years. You would be better off dead than straining your friends, family, and husband with the stress you are causing. You are going to be the person who is not helped by food and naturopathy and end up on expensive drugs that will send you into an early grave. As my symptoms progressed this week, I felt completely out of control and hysterical. I had worked so hard and even so, very scary stuff was happening to me. I told myself that I just needed to hold it together until I could get to my functional medicine doctor and until she could confirm the significance of my symptoms. Once I knew what was happening to my body, I could deal with it. And in the midst of my hysteria, I felt a nudge. I knew my fear wasn't helping me. And furthermore, I knew that I could not choose to have hope based on my circumstances. Maybe some people only have hope when the odds are stacked in their favor. Maybe some people only have hope when they hear a doctor tell them "cancer-free." Maybe some people only have hope when the path to victory is clear and inevitable. But I know that my hope is not found in any answer this world can give or any set of circumstances I find myself in, good or bad. Two weeks ago I did something I hadn't done since I was a teenager. As a teenager, I used to love to have my quiet times in my backyard on a swing. Here I was 16 years later, sitting on a swing in the middle of White Rock trail praying. I was engulfed in fear thinking about all I could lose. Tom was out of town and I had the whole day alone with my thoughts and anxieties. I began to swing as I was listening to hymns and enjoying the beauty of creation. And then I realized-- whatever I stand to lose is only in this life. I cannot wait to have hope until I know the worst-case scenario won't happen to me. I cannot wait to have hope until I know the doctor's diagnosis. I cannot wait to have hope until my symptoms subside. Because that would mean my hope is in temporary and fleeting events in a broken and desperate world. And the Bible says all the things of this earth are light and momentary troubles. My circumstances could in any way keep me from the peace, joy, love, acceptance, and contentment I felt in that moment on the swing. And that means that my hope must be in the only thing I can count on--- in Christ. In Him my hope is found. Regardless of my circumstances. Regardless of the scariest symptoms. Regardless of what I lose in this life. I've been studying the book of Proverbs for about a month now. I started my study because I knew I was quickly approaching a time in my life that would require me to make many decisions quickly and all of these decisions carried weight-- these were not simply choices like caffeinated or decaf? Because really, if you are choosing decaf, what is even the point?
No, these choices were weighty and I did not want to make any mistakes. After reading Proverbs 1-3, I was able to remind myself of some important things, which I wrote about here, here, and here. But when I came to Proverbs 4, I got stuck. There was just too much wisdom to apply. I think I could spend a year thinking about all of the wisdom in Proverbs 4. So I did what I always do when I'm overwhelmed: I procrastinated. But I can't do that forever, so below here are the verses that I've gone over and over as I think about how to make these key decisions: "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. Put away perversity from your mouth; keep corrupt talk far from your lips. Let your eyes look straight ahead, fix your gaze directly before you. Make level paths for your feet and take only ways that are firm. Do not swerve to the right or the left; Keep your foot from evil." 1. Guard your heart This is the over-used verse told to every unmarried women at church when they start dating a guy. As in "Well, it's ok to pray with him on occasion, but sweetie, just make sure you guard your heart." But guarding your heart doesn't just apply to relationships. It applies to any outside factor or influence that might taint, distract, pervert, or mislead you. 2. Focus There are so many options for us. Too many options in some ways. What kind of job should I have, where should I work, what commitments should I make, who should my friends be, etc. We are all on a path towards something. This passage in Proverbs tells us to fix our gaze and make level paths. To take only ways that are firm. We might not know exactly what to do, but if our gaze is focused on Christ and not diluted, our choices have a standard by which we can measure. 3. Persevere Yes, big decisions are important. And right now we are making big decisions with lots of choices. But really, all those small, seemingly insignificant choices that we have made in our day-to-day life, those have come to define us. As we come to a big fork in the road, I am thankful that we have built a daily decisions to follow Christ. It makes our mission, our goal, and our life choices that much easier because we have been striving to consistently live out what we believe and have seen God's faithfulness to us in the small things. It isn't easy-- it requires perseverance and diligence. Perseverance in the mundane and perseverance when you think no one is looking. Don't get me wrong-- I fail a lot. I'm not saying we've got the wisdom thing down. But in all our practicing, and in all our failures, we have seen God's grace to those who seek wisdom. Do not swerve away, even when it seems like the consequences will be unimportant. And now for an update on all those big decisions we're making. Well, you'll have to check back in on Friday:) image via axialind
The other day I threw a piece of cake in the trash can and felt horribly guilty about it. Let me explain. I work with teenagers and for the most part, I absolutely love my job. My kids are hard working, thoughtful, funny, sweet, respectful, and inspiring. However, sometimes SOME teenagers can act entitled, illogical, disrespectful, and selfish. Actually, I should amend the above statements to apply to all humans, not just teenagers cause that's not really fair to stereotype them. This applies to all people-- maybe I just see it more in teenagers because that's who I am around a lot. Anyway, at some points in the semester, the course load gets pretty stressful so I like to do things like bring in snacks for my kids or pick up breakfast for them. This particular morning I had done that. If you've never seen teenagers eat in large groups, just imagine a school of sharks or a herd of lions in a feeding frenzy. They descend on the food as if they haven't eaten in weeks and there is a lot of grabbing and rushing and mess. At the beginning of the year, I told my classes if we didn't have civility in our snack time, that'd be the end of snack time. So now they always begin their snack time by first thanking me for bringing in the food, letting the ladies go first in getting food, and making sure there isn't a single crumb or piece of trash on the ground at the end of our time together. At the end of the day, I still had one piece of cake left on this platter and all of my students had been to class. I was working at my desk and a student who was not in any of my classes randomly came in my room and asked if she could have some cake. I was a little indignant. I didn't know this student at all and here she was asking for some cake? My immediate response was "Sorry, that's for the students who are in my classes." As soon as those words left my lips, I regretted them. My immediate thoughts were "No, you cannot have that cake because you have not earned it. That cake is a reward for the kids who have put in the time and effort to take this challenging course. Furthermore, it's rude to just walk in and ask someone you don't know for food that hasn't been offered to you." But I wish I hadn't spoken so soon. I am not the most patient person. Furthermore, two men in my life, my husband and my dad, are the most generous people I know-- I desire and work to be as open-handed as they are. My indignation spoke first, but this verse immediately came to mind after I said what I did: "Do not withhold good from those who deserve it, when it is in your power to act. Do not say to your neighbor 'Come back later; I'll give it tomorrow' when you have it with you." -- Proverbs 3:27-28 I've been teaching long enough to know how a teacher's actions and words can impact a student. I have the ability to act as a blessing-- through resources, through time, through attention-- with all my students. I have the power to act. I could have paused long enough to think about the fact that all my kids had already gotten their cake, and my prejudice was based on my own selfish perception that this student didn't "earn" what my own kids had earned. I could have freely given what I had, invited this student into my room, and used the opportunity to talk to her. But I didn't. And now I find myself at the end of the school day cleaning up my room and on the serving platter, there it was--a single, leftover piece of cake. Into the trash can it went. I could have been generous-- I had the ability to do so-- but my selfishness spoke first. That's not how I want to be, with the big things or the small things in my life. In the big scheme of things, I am not an important person. I don't run a multi-million dollar company. I am not the leader of any nation. I am not a motivational speaker with thousands of follows. But I do have the power to act for good on behalf of the people in my life. And it doesn't have to be grand, magnanimous gestures to make an impact. Our sphere of influence may be small and our actions may be so small, like giving someone a piece of cake, but we do have the power to act and when we can be generous, when we can bless, when we can serve, our hearts should be open, not withholding. I'm training my heart and my mind: my first reaction when someone asks me for something is like those stupid birds in Finding Nemo-- "Mine! Mine!" I feel an immediate selfish grip on my time, resources, and attention. Now, I wait for that fleeting thought to pass and follow it with this: Today, I can act for their good. God, let me not withhold it. As a senior in college, I remember feeling overwhelmed by the weight of all of the post-graduation future decisions. I reassured myself by saying that all of the up-in-the-air circumstances were just due to my stage of life and that one day I'd look back with wistful fondness at all of the possibilities and opportunities that had been placed before me. I told myself that one day I'd have a mortgage, kids, a job, roots, and permanence-- every day would have a routine and pattern. So I should embrace temporary times of uncertainty. It was then that I realized the value of seeking wisdom. Faced with daily potential life-altering choices, I needed guidance in discerning the right path so I could confidently make choices. I learned decision making isn't having two paths clearly set in front of you with one path bright and sunny and the other path dark and obstacle-ridden. No. Sometimes the pathways looked pretty equal and sometimes, the pathways just straight up ended so I wasn't sure if there was a next step to take. Boldly step into a non-existant path or wait patiently for one to show up?! I wavered between being paralyzed with fear at making the wrong decision and then clinging to the following quote by Oswald Chambers: "Certainty is the mark of the commonsense life– gracious uncertainty is the mark of the spiritual life. To be certain of God means that we are uncertain in all our ways, not knowing what tomorrow may bring. This is generally expressed with a sigh of sadness, but it should be an expression of breathless expectation. We are uncertain of the next step, but we are certain of God." ---My Utmost for His Highest--- I decided to be certain of God and maintain a hope and expectation in all of my uncertainty. I embraced this time because honestly, I thought it was temporary. I thought, after a while, my life will not be up in the air. But here I am, over a decade later and I'm finding that 1. my life is just as uncertain as it was when I was a senior in college and 2. I am more than ok with that. In fact, I am thankful for all of the uncertainties. I married someone who also embraces uncertainties. Together we have come to so many crossroads where the path becomes unclear or the path has too many options (or none). How do you embrace a life of uncertainties and unsettled decisions? Proverbs 2 says this: "For the Lord gives wisdom; from his mouth come knowledge and understanding. He holds success in store for the upright, he is a shield to those whose walk is blameless, for he guards the course of the just and protects the way of his faithful ones. Then you will understand what is right and just and fair—every good path. For wisdom will enter your heart, and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul. Discretion will protect you, and understanding will guard you." I don't know what is going to happen next. And I often don't know how to make the next decision or to find the next step. But what I want for my life is to understand what is right and just and fair. I want wisdom in my heart and knowledge in my soul. I want my course to be guarded, not necessarily easy or safe or comfortable, but guarded, by Someone who does know what happens next, Someone who does know exactly how this story ends, Someone who is certain. Right now, I'd settle for healthy and wise.
I don't believe in a prosperity gospel. Even if we are given things in this life, they are fleeting. Health and wealth would make life a lot more comfortable for everyone, but I think too many Christians don't realize God's first priority is not our safety or our comfort. I'm not saying it's wrong to pursue health or to be financially successful. But like all the temporal things of this world, that isn't where our hope should be. I have to remind myself of this every day. However, regardless of our circumstances, we can seek wisdom. Wisdom transcends all our circumstances-- the good and the bad. It aides us in poverty and riches, in suffering and joy. It affirms both our clear paths and lends light to the unstable trails. Proverbs 1: 32-33 says: "For the simple are killed by their turning away, and the complacency of fools destroys them; But whoever listens to me [wisdom] will dwell secure and will be at ease, without dread of disaster." Why are those who listen to wisdom at ease and without dread? Because wisdom provides a right perspective of God-- the beginning of wisdom is reverence for God. With a right perspective of Him, circumstances, whether crushing, joyful, or mundane, are just that-- temporary circumstances. They don't negate the promises of the eternal hope we have. They don't negate our identity. They don't negate who He is. Dwell securely and be at ease. Thank you to everyone for their encouragement regarding my last post. It took me a long time to write because I have a real fear that if I talk about these things, people will view me differently. So much of my identity and self-worth is wrapped up in being a completely independent, can-do, push-myself-to-the-brink, accomplish-all-the-tasks kind of person. I used to tell myself "I'll sleep when I'm dead," and then proudly survive on 5-6 hours of rest a night. Turns out that attitude will get me to the grave much faster than I'd like.
A few people have asked me after the last post if we are still pursuing adoption. The answer to that is eventually. We still have our adoption fund set apart for when that time comes. But for now, our focus is on figuring out how to restore my health and to prevent any relapses of my symptoms. In so many times over the past year, I've realized that this circumstance of needing restoration is not just a physical ailment, but it is spiritual as well. I've confessed my type-A tendencies, but the painful secret of every type-A perfectionist is a genuine lack of self-compassion and grace. I have been an exacting and disciplined person and expected the same of others. Having physical limitations has forced me to learn to have patience with my own short comings, and in turn, with the limitations of others. It has stripped me of any delusions of self-sufficiency. And thus, this lack of physical wellness revealed in me a lack of spiritual wellness. All of this has caused me to think about the need for and the theme of restoration in my life. Our bodies are broken. Our hearts are broken. Relationships are broken. I know that this side of heaven, we live in a broken world. There are a lot of things we can't restore. But there are a lot of things we can restore. I've spent the past year not really writing anything because I was too afraid to share any weaknesses. I've realized that rather than lamenting my weaknesses, I need to be proactively seeking to restore whatever I can. Making changes out of a desire to continually improve-- not, as I have been, in panic mode when problems are already upon me. Thus, there's a few changes I've already made here, as you can see. Under "Restoring Heart," I'll be writing about what I've been learning spiritually. Under "Restoring Health," I'll be chronicling my adventures in getting well-- including naturopathic experiments, treatments, recipes, food, and health products. Well, nothing is as I planned it. Absolutely nothing. Currently, as I type this, my plans from 2015, the plans I had a year ago, are completely gone. Every anticipation is gone. The road that we were on has been completely wiped away and we are standing at the end of a road that has abruptly been swiped into non-existence. Thankfully, there is another plan. A better plan. The best plan. It is on the way. First, I want to thank everyone who has been so supportive to us in the process of adoption-- from praying for us to donating to our fundraising to asking for updates. Many people reading this post know what I am about to say, but for those people we don't see every day, I have had a difficult time posting a completely honest update. I needed time to work through what has happened this past year, and I finally feel stable enough to share our journey in hopes that this obstacle might encourage others facing their own barriers. Last May Tom and I were preparing for our home study. We hoped the home study would take place over the summer and that in the summer of 2016 we would be traveling to get our kids. And then something strange happened to me: I started to lose my hearing. And then I started to get horrible, burning pains in my hands and my feet. And vision problems. And headaches. So I went to the doctor. And more doctors. Until I found one who told me I had some type of autoimmune disorder. My rheumatologist guessed whatever I had would eventually become Lupus. Now I know that there are worse medical diagnoses, but for me this was terrifying. I can remember one day last June returning from a workout and crying hysterically as I watched a red rash creep up my arms and my neck, as I felt completely out of control to prevent what was happening to my body. I sobbed as the rheumatologist explained all of the prescription medications I could take and the dangers of what would happen if my Lupus progressed out of control-- attacking my heart, my lungs, my kidneys. I researched the side effects of steroids and felt defeated-- this couldn't be my life now. I cried out to God and asked Him to heal me, to make me ok. And I realized, that whether or not He healed me or whether or not I was "ok," I needed to be at peace with not being in control. In all of this, Tom and I decided to push pause on our adoption process and focus on researching autoimmune disorders. At the same time, we decided (for unrelated reasons, we thought) to do a Whole 30 diet for a month. If you've never researched or heard about Whole 30, here's a little info: Whole30. In addition, I decided to find a naturopathic doctor to possibly find an alternative to the steroids that my rheumatologist wanted me to take. I anxiously awaited my appointment with her, hoping that she could help me find some way to alleviate the pain and anxiety I felt. Reflecting back, that time of my life is now reduced to a brief description, but in reality, living it out seemed like a dark and abysmal pit of fear: the steroids I took before I found my naturopath made my adrenals collapse-- I spent about two weeks where I was unable to get out of bed for more then 6-7 hours a day. I feared I was going to have to quit my job. I could barely walk a mile without experiencing extreme muscle fatigue. And my hearing loss often lead to tension headaches. My hands were in so much pain that Tom had to wash our dishes. I cried myself to sleep every night in fear that the next day my symptoms would progressively worsen. By the time I went to the naturopath, I made an interesting discovery. Following the Whole30 diet alleviated my symptoms. I still had hearing problems, but my joints had stopped burning and aching. My naturopath confirmed what I suspected: my autoimmune disease had been triggered by environmental and food factors. From a Whole30, I started following a strict AIP diet, eliminating further triggers in my diet. Sometimes Tom has to encourage me by reminding me how much recovery I have made using food alone because I forget just how much pain I really was in. The results of following this diet were astounding: my hearing returned, my joint pain disappeared, and my brain fog cleared. In addition, I felt stronger, more alert, and had more energy than I had had in the past decade. Again, I summarize these things in one simple paragraph, but the words represent months of pain and trial and error. Months of blood tests, thousands of dollars in medical bills, and a lot of unknowns. A lot of tears. A lot of questioning and painful outbursts of feeling helpless and hopeless and struggling with depression. Every time a new symptom occurs or every time my body doesn't feel right, I worry that my disorder is worsening. People with one autoimmune disorder often develop multiple disorders. For most of my 20s, I would have days where I felt strange and abnormal (now I know those were warning signs that pointed toward my disorder), but when doctors ran tests, they found nothing alarming. This is common for people with autoimmune disorders-- it takes years to show up on blood tests. So now when I experience something, I fear it is a sign of something worse to come-- that the doctors' pattern of ignoring my symptoms is going to cause me to miss something. Thankfully, I married an eternal optimist. Tom reminds me on a weekly basis of how much progress we have made by just changing my diet and adding the naturopath's supplements. This is undeniable. I went from having hand and joint pain every day for months to maybe having 5-7 days of hand pain in the past 8 months. In September of last year, my hearing finally fully returned and it has been stable ever since. I still have bad days, but they are few and far between. I have spent hours upon hours research autoimmune disorders AND spoken with others who have had much worse disorders or who were further down the road with their disorder when they adopted the AIP diet and have made amazing recoveries. So Tom reminds me that we both believe that while autoimmune disorders have no cure, I will be healed from this. So where has God been in all of this? As angry and frustrated as I have been this past year, I have to believe that although this circumstance is my Plan B, not what would have EVER been my first choice, it is actually the Plan Best. This disorder has shaped me into a different person and I know that that is for a purpose. I don't know what that purpose is yet. Before I ever got sick, I loved Isaiah 58 and this proclamation: "The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail. Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins and will raise up the age-old foundations. You will be called Repairer of Broken Walls, Restorer of Streets with Dwellings." Before I ever got sick I loved that verse. After I got sick, I went back and reread that chapter. Before the above verses, it says: "Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard. Then you will call, and the Lord will answer; you will cry for help and he will say: Here am I." I believe that whether it is through food or something miraculous, I will be healed. And I believe that through these circumstances, there will be a clear purpose for all of these things. Tom and I believe that all of this had to happen to get us to whatever comes next. This past year has been darkness. A year of loss. A year of fighting fear. A year of coping with pain. But I believe that He will strengthen my frame. That one day, I will use this experience to help others. To repair and restore what was once broken-- I don't know what that means exactly, but I know that healing, in more ways than one, will result from this time. And that His plan is always Best. I started writing this post awhile ago, but had to stop many times. I'm glad I finished it today, Easter morning, which I think is the best reminder that when humanity was in its darkest moment, light broke forth like the dawn and for us all, healing quickly appeared. Think about Christ. Has He ever failed you? I’m not asking if the people of God have failed you (the answer to that is yes) but Christ Himself. Has there ever been a time when you doubted that He is who He says He is or that He will accomplish what He promised to accomplish? It is easy to let our troubles overwhelm our senses, minds, and hearts to the point where we can no longer find our footing in trusting Christ.
When I am unsure of what the heck is going on or when I am in pain because life is just broken and hard and disappointing, I think of the man Samuel. I think of Samuel because sometimes my circumstances seem so immediately painful and uncertain. In the book of 1 Samuel, Samuel is being attacked by his enemies on ALL sides. It is frightening. It probably feels hopeless. Samuel could despair. But instead, he takes a stone from the ground and uses it as a reminder, declaring, “thus far, the Lord has delivered me.” Samuel reminds himself that 1. God has brought him to that moment for a purpose, and 2. God has not ever abandoned him in the past so Samuel can trust that He WILL not abandon him in the future. Christ does not lead us out of things to abandon us. He leads us out of things to deliver us. But deliverance doesn’t always look like we expect it to. I would like deliverance to be clean, white, easy, and painless. Like four warriors rushing in to a battle zone and lifting me up to a cushy pink pedestal and then I get to sit back and eat chocolate while the obstacles of life are worked out for me and I sit unfazed above it all. The problem with that scenario is that it doesn’t change me. I don’t want to arrive at the end of my life and say I trusted in Christ and it was a walk in the park because my life was so easy. I want to arrive at the end of my life and say that regardless of my circumstances, the good and the bad, I held on to Christ. I trusted in Him— even when I was surrounded on ALL sides. When it seemed hopeless and uncertain and painful. In the midst of a battle, to cling to the reminder that thus far, He has delivered me. *Image from dailymail.co.uk. |
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