It has been an eternity since I have written anything and in the process, I have learned something about myself: I am unable to write about something when I am in the midst of it.
In July, I started to write a blog post about balance. I had gotten to a stage with my autoimmunity where I was no longer in pain, but wanted now to be proactively healing. The crisis of decay had passed. Now I wanted to preemptively strike to restore my health. Bring my body back into balance. As I began searching for a new functional medicine doctor, it became very clear to me that while my autoimmune disease was clearly physical, there was so much that had contributed to its progression that was emotional and even spiritual. As Tom and I moved homes and evaluated the direction we were going, I realized how off path I had let myself become in my pursuit of excellence. I was not a type-A personality as a child or even as a teenager. I enjoyed being creative and unpredictable. In college, I began to experience anxiety and control issues which led to me becoming more and more regimented. I traded any creative pursuits for schedule and efficiency. Not that these are bad things-- they can be keys to success, but I let my creative side fall by the wayside. As it seemed attainable to graduate college with a 4.0, I began to become even more perfectionistic. Then I set my sights on accomplishing athletic feats (for me)-- training for a marathon, improving 10k and 5k times. When I got married, I enjoyed the added responsibilities but now that there was someone else in my realm of daily life, I strove to hold it all together even more. Because as a teacher, I am strict, scheduled, and intense. I approach my classroom analytically. And it works-- I love teaching and I have had incredible success. I am methodical, determined, and disciplined. My life became years of schedule: 5:30 am wake up time, workout, work, work, work, clean, make dinner, work, bed. Succeed, succeed, succeed. All of these things are good-- accomplishing success through discipline and striving for goals. But again, as I tried to achieve more and more in every area of my life, professionally, personally, physically, I slowly became unbalanced. I wasn't listening to who I really was anymore. I was progressing rapidly on a path I didn't stop to question if I really wanted to be on. Here's the crazy part: The result of becoming emotionally and spiritually unbalanced is a physical unbalance. I began to experience dizziness, adrenal fatigue, digestive issues, and a static autonomic nervous system. As I met with a functional medicine doctor, it became clear that I could use supplements, try alternative therapies, and change my diet, but ultimately, those things would be temporary bandaids. What I need to heal is not just physical; it is a reevaluation of how I am living my life in light of who I was created to be. I've tried to fix these problems with food, sleep, and supplements. But what I'm realizing is that the root of these problems, as crazy as it sounds and as hippie-dippy as it may seem, is a fundamental misalignment of self. This isn't to say that lifestyle changes alone and new directions will cure everything— they won't. All I'm saying is that I've realized this isn't just a body thing. It isn't just a food thing. It isn't just a stress thing. It's a whole person thing. Finding balance is a lot more important and a lot harder than I ever thought.
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