Well, nothing is as I planned it. Absolutely nothing. Currently, as I type this, my plans from 2015, the plans I had a year ago, are completely gone. Every anticipation is gone. The road that we were on has been completely wiped away and we are standing at the end of a road that has abruptly been swiped into non-existence. Thankfully, there is another plan. A better plan. The best plan. It is on the way. First, I want to thank everyone who has been so supportive to us in the process of adoption-- from praying for us to donating to our fundraising to asking for updates. Many people reading this post know what I am about to say, but for those people we don't see every day, I have had a difficult time posting a completely honest update. I needed time to work through what has happened this past year, and I finally feel stable enough to share our journey in hopes that this obstacle might encourage others facing their own barriers. Last May Tom and I were preparing for our home study. We hoped the home study would take place over the summer and that in the summer of 2016 we would be traveling to get our kids. And then something strange happened to me: I started to lose my hearing. And then I started to get horrible, burning pains in my hands and my feet. And vision problems. And headaches. So I went to the doctor. And more doctors. Until I found one who told me I had some type of autoimmune disorder. My rheumatologist guessed whatever I had would eventually become Lupus. Now I know that there are worse medical diagnoses, but for me this was terrifying. I can remember one day last June returning from a workout and crying hysterically as I watched a red rash creep up my arms and my neck, as I felt completely out of control to prevent what was happening to my body. I sobbed as the rheumatologist explained all of the prescription medications I could take and the dangers of what would happen if my Lupus progressed out of control-- attacking my heart, my lungs, my kidneys. I researched the side effects of steroids and felt defeated-- this couldn't be my life now. I cried out to God and asked Him to heal me, to make me ok. And I realized, that whether or not He healed me or whether or not I was "ok," I needed to be at peace with not being in control. In all of this, Tom and I decided to push pause on our adoption process and focus on researching autoimmune disorders. At the same time, we decided (for unrelated reasons, we thought) to do a Whole 30 diet for a month. If you've never researched or heard about Whole 30, here's a little info: Whole30. In addition, I decided to find a naturopathic doctor to possibly find an alternative to the steroids that my rheumatologist wanted me to take. I anxiously awaited my appointment with her, hoping that she could help me find some way to alleviate the pain and anxiety I felt. Reflecting back, that time of my life is now reduced to a brief description, but in reality, living it out seemed like a dark and abysmal pit of fear: the steroids I took before I found my naturopath made my adrenals collapse-- I spent about two weeks where I was unable to get out of bed for more then 6-7 hours a day. I feared I was going to have to quit my job. I could barely walk a mile without experiencing extreme muscle fatigue. And my hearing loss often lead to tension headaches. My hands were in so much pain that Tom had to wash our dishes. I cried myself to sleep every night in fear that the next day my symptoms would progressively worsen. By the time I went to the naturopath, I made an interesting discovery. Following the Whole30 diet alleviated my symptoms. I still had hearing problems, but my joints had stopped burning and aching. My naturopath confirmed what I suspected: my autoimmune disease had been triggered by environmental and food factors. From a Whole30, I started following a strict AIP diet, eliminating further triggers in my diet. Sometimes Tom has to encourage me by reminding me how much recovery I have made using food alone because I forget just how much pain I really was in. The results of following this diet were astounding: my hearing returned, my joint pain disappeared, and my brain fog cleared. In addition, I felt stronger, more alert, and had more energy than I had had in the past decade. Again, I summarize these things in one simple paragraph, but the words represent months of pain and trial and error. Months of blood tests, thousands of dollars in medical bills, and a lot of unknowns. A lot of tears. A lot of questioning and painful outbursts of feeling helpless and hopeless and struggling with depression. Every time a new symptom occurs or every time my body doesn't feel right, I worry that my disorder is worsening. People with one autoimmune disorder often develop multiple disorders. For most of my 20s, I would have days where I felt strange and abnormal (now I know those were warning signs that pointed toward my disorder), but when doctors ran tests, they found nothing alarming. This is common for people with autoimmune disorders-- it takes years to show up on blood tests. So now when I experience something, I fear it is a sign of something worse to come-- that the doctors' pattern of ignoring my symptoms is going to cause me to miss something. Thankfully, I married an eternal optimist. Tom reminds me on a weekly basis of how much progress we have made by just changing my diet and adding the naturopath's supplements. This is undeniable. I went from having hand and joint pain every day for months to maybe having 5-7 days of hand pain in the past 8 months. In September of last year, my hearing finally fully returned and it has been stable ever since. I still have bad days, but they are few and far between. I have spent hours upon hours research autoimmune disorders AND spoken with others who have had much worse disorders or who were further down the road with their disorder when they adopted the AIP diet and have made amazing recoveries. So Tom reminds me that we both believe that while autoimmune disorders have no cure, I will be healed from this. So where has God been in all of this? As angry and frustrated as I have been this past year, I have to believe that although this circumstance is my Plan B, not what would have EVER been my first choice, it is actually the Plan Best. This disorder has shaped me into a different person and I know that that is for a purpose. I don't know what that purpose is yet. Before I ever got sick, I loved Isaiah 58 and this proclamation: "The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail. Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins and will raise up the age-old foundations. You will be called Repairer of Broken Walls, Restorer of Streets with Dwellings." Before I ever got sick I loved that verse. After I got sick, I went back and reread that chapter. Before the above verses, it says: "Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard. Then you will call, and the Lord will answer; you will cry for help and he will say: Here am I." I believe that whether it is through food or something miraculous, I will be healed. And I believe that through these circumstances, there will be a clear purpose for all of these things. Tom and I believe that all of this had to happen to get us to whatever comes next. This past year has been darkness. A year of loss. A year of fighting fear. A year of coping with pain. But I believe that He will strengthen my frame. That one day, I will use this experience to help others. To repair and restore what was once broken-- I don't know what that means exactly, but I know that healing, in more ways than one, will result from this time. And that His plan is always Best. I started writing this post awhile ago, but had to stop many times. I'm glad I finished it today, Easter morning, which I think is the best reminder that when humanity was in its darkest moment, light broke forth like the dawn and for us all, healing quickly appeared.
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